Relationships are like the Parts of a Tree

I don't know how you feel about Tyler Perry.  But I love him.  I love his movies.  Because they cross lines.  They cross racial lines to bring issues in today's society to the forefront: abuse, cheating, drugs, prostitution, and the issues of marriage.  They are movies that anyone of an adult age can appreciate and relate to.  There is so much wisdom and real life application in these movies.  They make me cry.  They make me laugh.  They give me advice.  They encourage me to keep my chin up.

One of my all time favorite clips comes from the Tyler Perry play of Tyler Perry Goes to Jail.  This was recently made into a movie, but the movie was very different from the play.  I want to share this clip with you.  I watch it sporadically (including last night) and it brought to me such peace and justification for my past.  Please watch it, and be amazed and how Tyler seems to speak directly to your soul and your past.  And be encouraged that life exists, happiness exists, outside of the pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF_10F7eYRE

(Enabling was disabled, so I couldn't put the actual video in the blog, but please take the time to watch it.  I promise it's worth your time.)

It's odd sometimes... The people who comment on your status or write on your wall.  There are a great many people who I've kind of lumped into this pile of people who don't care about me and therefore I don't care about them either.  Mostly camp people -- who I feel like I don't trust.  Who didn't get along with me at camp, who I didn't like at camp...  It's just kind of funny how things work out.  Those you think you hate are the ones commenting on your status three years later, and those that you were close with you don't ever hear from, or aren't even "friends" with them on facebook.

These tiny olive branches of support and encouragement that they give me, it's just so unexpected.  I don't know how to react or respond.

But it's a plesant stunned.  Plesantly surprised.  Reminds me to drop the grudges, negativity, and just live my life with a positive attitude.

I Hope to Dance

This song came on at work tonight, and the only line that registered with my brain was "Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter."  And once again, it felt like God was sending me a message.  This song, it's a well known song.  I loved it when it came out.  And when it came on the radio tonight at work, I was even humming along with it.  But I wasn't singing or thinking about the lyrics -- until that one line.  And I kind of just stopped in my tracks, with clothes in my hand.  And even though I've let go of a lot of my anger, I'm still bitter.  Bitter enough to be told by a strange guy at a bar "Stop being so angry". 

Maybe I'm not as anger-free as I thought.  I have truly come a long way in the past couple of months.  There's no boasting in that statement.  But perhaps my progress isn't as far along as I thought.  I still don't believe or trust guys.  I still think that pretty much everything they say is a lie.

Am I suppossed to just open up?  After all this?  Just... Open up?  I've been so let down, hurt, and disappointed, that I can't ever go back to the open hearted girl I was.  Who believed that each guy had such potential.  And yet, this one line is all I hear.  And I need to open up.  I need to really let go.  I need to stop being so angry.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance


(Time is a real and constant motion always)
(Rolling us along)
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)


(Time is a real and constant motion always)
(Rolling us along)
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
 

The Christmas Spirit

I am soooo excited about Christmas!  I am always excited for Christmas.  And this year, I have been smart about Christmas shopping -- I've spread the shopping out throughout the entire year!  I started December 26th of last year, and have been finding things throughout the year.  Today was my day off from work, and I decided that after teaching my class at the Y, I'd go do some Christams shopping!  It's such a nice day: chilly, sunny, and I had such a great morning! 

And I found a great deal at Bath and Body Works!!  They were having a 2-for-1 deal on their big candles, and my Aunts love candles.  So off I went!!  So I got four candles (one for Genny, one for Pam, one for Mom, one for Nanny), and a bunch of little things -- I got some nail files, $1 bottles of lotions, and hand sanitizer to use for litttle gifts for the co-workers and the Dare County Center girls.  I also got four $5 mini candles to give to the girls at Cato.  So I'm well on my way to being ready for Christmas!!  But I have a lot more to get ready.  I have four checkbook covers to make, more dishcloths to crochet (oh the dilemma-- to make some for everyone or just for Aunt Genny??), more stocking stuffers to buy for the girls at Cato, and things to buy for friends (particularly Kelley -- I haven't found anything for her yet!) and family (Nanny and Papa's box is so empty, I have a few items left to find for Dad, and food to cook).

Good thing I have two more months before Christmas!!


To Do:

Dad: How to score baseball book, baseball score sheet book, gloves to wear to baseball games, make gag gift (stained apron), buy a word-a-day calendar
Aunt Genny: make checkbook cover, crochet dishcloths, gift certificate to local quilting shop(?)
Aunt Pam: make checkbook cover, crochet dishcloths (?), make wine bottle carrier (?)
Uncle Scott: GC for professional business cards (?)
Papa: make baked goods
Nanny: make checkbook cover, get grad photo framed

Real Poetry

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. 
~JRR Tolkien, "Song of Aragorn"
 
That is real poetry.  That makes you think.  Inspires you.  Moves you.  That is beautiful.  And I love it.  Perhaps I should read some Tolkien...

I used to be able to write poetry endlessly.  The words and melodies would flow effortlessly from my pen... I was never without pen or paper to catch the things that would come to mind.  I had notebooks and journals filled with my thoughts -- which were so complex and beautiful and braided with light and dark.

I lost that ability in college.  Poems and words came sporadically.

Now... I sat with my poetry journal in my lap for 15 minutes before something came.  And that something was not much of anything.  But I will share it here.  Because here I'm exposing all of myself -- my inabilities, my shortcomings, my struggles.

This poem was a struggle.  I don't like it.  It's unfinished.  It's rough.  It doesn't flow smoothly.  There are not allusions or illusions or metaphors true to my writing style.  To read it makes me frustrated.  Makes me want to ball it up and throw it away.  But despite the lack of beauty in this poem, it's so true.  My pen wrote the naked truth.  Which is why I'm sharing it.  Because the naked truth isn't pretty, it doesn't flow, it's rough, and it's not a masterpiece.  It's just the truth.

Neither Nor                                             

At the intersection

of speckled and smooth

there's an in-between.

Neither nor the other.

Somewhere a clock ticks

barging in unwanted

but necessary.

Time.

The in-between sucks me in.

Neither chaotic

nor settled

I lie.

Between the two I sink away

hiding.

But what is there to face anymore?

Like a 19th century army

I've retreated from the battle lines.

I've written my letters

and snuck away

far from my old life

and into obscurity.

Just a haggard, scarred soldier

sauntering un-noticed into town

weary and dirty

carrying their life with them,

things few and far between.

Quietly becoming a piece of the daily tapestry --

just a thread.

Unimportant enough to not be noticed...

Routine of obscurity becomes habit

and habit becomes comfort.

Numbness is comfort.

Neither speckled nor smooth.

Will there be an awakening?

This calmness in life

is uncharacteristic.

Can I care less than this?

Is that possible?

Desire to feel is all there is --

What is there to feel?

Day in and out is the same:

calm,

simple routine

that fills my day but doesn't excite my soul.

There is beauty and appreciation

in everyday.

But my soul is vegetative.

My life is mindless.

I need resuscitation...

Monkey Bread!  A true classic!!!  And it's what I made tonight on this Fall rainy day...  I'm so excited to eat it!!!!

Please pardon the poor color -- this was taken on the crappy blackberry phone, which doesn't take very good pictures :(

Recipe can be found here.