10 more sleeps

Sunday night, and there's finally a hint of fall in the air.  Only a hint... Just enough to tease us that cooler and less humid weather is coming. I just pray that it's sooner rather than later! I am so over the Eastern North Carolina summer weather... I just couldn't handle it this year. I didn't even get to the beach except maybe twice!!


Pretty much sums up how I feel

And it's a very bitter sweet Sunday.  Daniel just left about an hour ago, and as he was packing up to leave, he noted that this was the last time he'll stay in this house.  He pointed out that there are only 10 more nights for me in this house (we're taking a mini get away next weekend).  And that in less than 2 weeks, we'll be husband and wife.

Talk about reducing a girl into tears.

The loss of independence.
The loss of a bed of my own.
Moving away from a home I love with a roommate/landlady that I love.
Moving away from a town that I have grown to absolutely adore.
Leaving one job that has been nothing but a blessing to me by employer, coworker, and clientele.
Leaving behind a church that has literally saved me and means so very much to me.

I was an absolute wreck.  I couldn't help but burst into tears with all of these realizations overwhelming me. Poor Daniel didn't know what to do, but he did exactly what I needed -- he just held me and let me cry.

I am so very excited to become Daniels wife. I am ecstatic that he will become my husband.  And I am looking forward to the adventure that our lives are about to embark upon.

But it is a serious life change.  And as we moved all of my furniture out of "my room" and either into a garbage pile in the garage or into a keep pile in the garage, and my room was slowly but steadily emptied of everything that made it mine, the gravity of what was happening hit me.

I'm now staying in one of the guest rooms to bide my time before my nuptials, allowing me to do touch up paint and cleaning to my old room, and allowing Chrissy to begin moving her craft items and music items upstairs.  Erasing "my room" and creating the "hobby room."

They say that marriage is all about sacrifice.  And I firmly believe (and am experiencing) that the sacrifice begins before you actually say "I do." It begins as you sort through items and give things up that have faithfully followed you from college dorm to college apartment to trade school apartment/trailer to career girl rented room.  It begins as you acknowledge that nothing in life will ever be the same again -- that although it is for the good, it is also for the different.

Tears came so quickly and so frequently this weekend...

Tomorrow begins my last full work week before my wedding. 5 work days this week. 3 work days next week. Wedding that Saturday.  Holy. Freaking. Cow.

A Reminder of the Words "Thank You"

It's so easy to become bitter about serving others. About being disappointed that they did not appreciate the hard work you put in, the time you spent, the thought you applied towards serving someone.  That they didn't provide a big enough reaction (or sometimes you didn't even get a reaction at all, no acknowledgement, and not even a thank you via text).  Sooooo easy to be caught up in this.

Serving and giving to others of your time and talents is what we are supposed to do. (Romans 12:5-8) (Matthew 25:14-30) (Luke 6:38)  Just as we are not supposed to become riled up and angry (Ephesians 4:31).

But good LORD I had to really restrain myself tonight from reacting!  I went out of my way to surprise someone with a thoughtful handmade gift, and one week later still hadn't heard from them that they'd at least received it.  I called them and asked if they'd received it. Their response? "Oh yeah."

Oh yeah!!!! That's it?!?!?! I literally spent an hour arranging this and creating this and left the house early one morning so I could send it. And one week later, I still hadn't heard a peep.

I like being nice. I like doing things for others. I like surprising them and doing things that are tailored for the individual.  I don't do these acts for the "reward" of appreciation, but it's almost a slap in the face when I don't even get a text to say thank you.

What is WRONG with my generation?!  We need to learn some humility, gratitude, and appreciation for others.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Men vs Women

With only one month to go until our wedding day, I am simultaneously less busy yet running around like a chicken without a head.  Less busy with wedding planning and more busy with preparations that are required before a wedding (like packing to move so that we can cohabitate).  And reading. Lots of reading. I'm a researcher. I like to try and be prepared and enter a situation with at least a little increased awareness.

And I can't help but comment on just how different men and women are.  I mean, really.  Us girls, we always want more time, attention, care, connection, romance, and pursuit.  We are completely and totally (or maybe it's just me) devoted and want nothing more than to be the good wife, the wife he wants/needs.  And I know that I work very hard at that.  I work hard with serving him, building him up, expressing my appreciation.

And boys?  Well they are quite a different breed.  They want space, to maintain some degree of individuality, to provide, to protect, to fix, and to fart.  They don't care that much about the touchy feely stuff.

What a disconnect! The things women need and prioritize men don't.  Perhaps this could help explain why so many people have so many relationship issues (married or not).

I remind myself over and over: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." ~Shakespere

Placing the expectation and responsibility on one person to fill every need, every want is unfair.  My future husband isn't perfect and won't be able to do EVERYTHING.  He will love me the best that he is able to, and I have to recognize that, accept that, and appreciate that.

In fact, expecting one person to do everything is kind of expecting him to be like God -- to be able to anticipate all your needs, respond, intervene, and rearrange. It's just lunacy.  Only God can do those things.

Jesus and God must be our first priority.  Husbands/Wives second.

We, as husband/wife are made to coexist, to love, to find satisfaction.  But nothing can replace the relationship with the heavenly Father.  Daniel cannot provide the grace and forgiveness that God offers.

I must remember to keep this in perspective (which I'm sure I will struggle with at times -- my own selfishness and whining and "But I want..." attitude).  That he and I are created differently, with different wants/needs, and that I can't expect anything from him outside of our vows and our faith.

This whole marriage thing -- this is going to be tough.  But I'm ready.

PhotoShoots and Blessings

What a few weeks it has been!

Last week was choc full of photo shoots.  Which is so weird for me to say, as I am not a camera lover.  Rather, I love to be behind the camera, not in front of it.  So to be in front of a camera twice in one week, in a professional manner, was very abnormal for me.

The first session was a personal portrait session last Tuesday.  I was absolutely terrified and self conscious going into it, but I will be honest with you -- it was the best three hours ever. I allowed myself to open up, be vulnerable, and be exposed.  The photographer was amazing -- so encouraging and positive, giving me great direction with posing.  I am so excited to get these pictures back -- I am obsessively checking my email in hopes that the link to the online album will be in there.  I left this session feeling strong, empowered, and beautiful BECAUSE of my curves (not just in spite of them).  So amazing!

Then on Sunday I had my bridal portraits done!!!! I was less nervous for this shoot, as I'd gotten quite comfortable in front of the camera on Tuesday.  It was another wonderful three hour experience, where I got to get all dolled up (again), put on my wedding dress, and walk around Tryon Palace gardens PRIVATELY! Having access to the gardens after the facility had closed, without a single other group of people present, and being able to enjoy the grounds uninhibited while feeling gorgeous and wearing a gorgeous gown -- oh man.  I am also REALLY excited to get these pictures back!!! I got to see a few sneak peaks on the camera during the session, and they are drop dead gorgeous (with much help from the beautiful landscaping).  So I am also obsessively checking my email for that link to the pictures as well!


And during all of this, I've been blessed with two bridal showers, showered with so much love, so many blessings and well wishes, and so many thoughtful and sweet and unexpected gifts -- the generosity of those we know and those we don't know has really rendered me shocked, touched, and speechless.  And I am so grateful.  I'm grateful for the support, the encouragement, the advice, and the generous attitude.  Let me tell you -- it's contagious! Because all I want to do is love on people and give to them.  And cry over how blessed life is.

I know it's easy to say that life is blessed when things are good.  And that it's much harder to maintain that attitude when things are bad.  But I firmly believe that God gives us those ups and downs to help us keep things in perspective -- to build our trust and our faith in both the good and the bad times.  Our endurance is tested in the bad, our heart is built in the good.  And through it all, God is good all the time. <3 nbsp="" p="">

I was challenged the other week by my roommate to take advantage of a special offer by a very talented and lovely photographer to have some personal portraits done. 

And making that decision was so difficult for me. Because I am not in a place where I love what I look like. I'm at my heaviest weight ever and I am nothing except uncomfortable in every sense of the word. 

So to schedule a photo shoot has been quite a challenge for me. A challenge to step forward confidently and to find my place of peace with who I am. 

I can honestly say that these next couple of weeks will continue to be a struggle. But I'm looking forward to seeing what The Lord can do with my heart in this, and in seeing myself grow more confident. 

This weekend was quite a busy weekend and gave me a small taste of what to expect for wedding weekend... Although it wasn't my wedding weekend, it was my bridal shower weekend :)

My fabulous Maid of Honor hosted the shower and both of my bridesmaids were able to attend, as well as my mother and my future MIL.  We had a great turn out, and it was so nice to see all the ladies.

But for a girl who doesn't like to be the center of attention, this weekend was incredibly stressful.  I felt responsible to help with the production, preparation, and set up for the shower.  And as soon as people started showing up, I felt responsible for them having a good time and making sure that no one felt left out.  I was so nervous I didn't eat very much.

Then it was time for presents... By the time presents came around, it was already late and I didn't want to keep anyone too late.  And I didn't really know what to do or how to handle some things.  Do I show every single part of each gift? Do I read each card aloud?  I was dripping with sweat.  So embarrassing.

But despite the anxiety and nerves and stress, it was such a lovely time.  I was blessed with so many wonderful items and feel so much more prepared for setting up my first home. Which has me excited for that whole process :)




Daniel is going to begin moving into the guest house this week, starting with some of the non-essential items and going through clothes and being ruthless with his purging.  He's going to begin sorting items to put into storage.  And just the thought of selecting items to put into storage raises my anxiety.  But it has to be done.  I just won't put any of our beautiful new items into storage :-p

We have about two and a half months until we reach the BIG day, our wedding day.  People keep telling me to enjoy it.  I'm not really sure what you're supposed to enjoy?  I'm stressed about losing weight to fit into my dress again (thank you stress binge eating).  I'm stressed about nagging Daniel constantly to make the few decisions he needs to make (groomsmen outfits, honeymoon, rings, etc).  I'm stressed that we'll go over budget and start our relationship in the red.  But mostly I'm stressed because after the wedding, we have no plans.

We don't know where we're going to be living because Daniel wants a new job in a new location but hasn't put forth the work to find one.  He doesn't want to rent something else because he doesn't want to sign a year long lease when he thinks we'll be moving.  He doesn't want to buy a house for the same reasons.  This makes sense.  But we can't stay where he is now.  So we're going to be homeless??

All I want is a place of our own, that I can create a home for the two of us. That I can nest in, decorate, organize, and begin OUR life.

They say that you learn a lot about your spouse during the wedding planning process.
And I have learned that he is a logical person but a procrastinator.
And I am about up to my neck.

My "talking tos" are having no effect on him.  Nothing is lighting a fire underneath his ass.  And I'm about to lose it.  I feel like I lose it constantly with him.  Because he's not working on my time table.  Selfish.  Wrong.  Impatient.

I am really trying to learn to be patient with him. To trust him.  But this is not an easy task.

I know that it will work out (it has to).  But Blair does not do limbo well.