I was challenged the other week by my roommate to take advantage of a special offer by a very talented and lovely photographer to have some personal portraits done. 

And making that decision was so difficult for me. Because I am not in a place where I love what I look like. I'm at my heaviest weight ever and I am nothing except uncomfortable in every sense of the word. 

So to schedule a photo shoot has been quite a challenge for me. A challenge to step forward confidently and to find my place of peace with who I am. 

I can honestly say that these next couple of weeks will continue to be a struggle. But I'm looking forward to seeing what The Lord can do with my heart in this, and in seeing myself grow more confident. 

This weekend was quite a busy weekend and gave me a small taste of what to expect for wedding weekend... Although it wasn't my wedding weekend, it was my bridal shower weekend :)

My fabulous Maid of Honor hosted the shower and both of my bridesmaids were able to attend, as well as my mother and my future MIL.  We had a great turn out, and it was so nice to see all the ladies.

But for a girl who doesn't like to be the center of attention, this weekend was incredibly stressful.  I felt responsible to help with the production, preparation, and set up for the shower.  And as soon as people started showing up, I felt responsible for them having a good time and making sure that no one felt left out.  I was so nervous I didn't eat very much.

Then it was time for presents... By the time presents came around, it was already late and I didn't want to keep anyone too late.  And I didn't really know what to do or how to handle some things.  Do I show every single part of each gift? Do I read each card aloud?  I was dripping with sweat.  So embarrassing.

But despite the anxiety and nerves and stress, it was such a lovely time.  I was blessed with so many wonderful items and feel so much more prepared for setting up my first home. Which has me excited for that whole process :)




Daniel is going to begin moving into the guest house this week, starting with some of the non-essential items and going through clothes and being ruthless with his purging.  He's going to begin sorting items to put into storage.  And just the thought of selecting items to put into storage raises my anxiety.  But it has to be done.  I just won't put any of our beautiful new items into storage :-p

We have about two and a half months until we reach the BIG day, our wedding day.  People keep telling me to enjoy it.  I'm not really sure what you're supposed to enjoy?  I'm stressed about losing weight to fit into my dress again (thank you stress binge eating).  I'm stressed about nagging Daniel constantly to make the few decisions he needs to make (groomsmen outfits, honeymoon, rings, etc).  I'm stressed that we'll go over budget and start our relationship in the red.  But mostly I'm stressed because after the wedding, we have no plans.

We don't know where we're going to be living because Daniel wants a new job in a new location but hasn't put forth the work to find one.  He doesn't want to rent something else because he doesn't want to sign a year long lease when he thinks we'll be moving.  He doesn't want to buy a house for the same reasons.  This makes sense.  But we can't stay where he is now.  So we're going to be homeless??

All I want is a place of our own, that I can create a home for the two of us. That I can nest in, decorate, organize, and begin OUR life.

They say that you learn a lot about your spouse during the wedding planning process.
And I have learned that he is a logical person but a procrastinator.
And I am about up to my neck.

My "talking tos" are having no effect on him.  Nothing is lighting a fire underneath his ass.  And I'm about to lose it.  I feel like I lose it constantly with him.  Because he's not working on my time table.  Selfish.  Wrong.  Impatient.

I am really trying to learn to be patient with him. To trust him.  But this is not an easy task.

I know that it will work out (it has to).  But Blair does not do limbo well.

They say that those who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.

However, I'm of the opinion that the ones who you love are the ones who hurt you the deepest.  They probably hurt you less frequently, but when they do hurt you, the cut is straight to the core of who you are as a person or to the core of your relationship.

D Man and I aren't a perfect relationship.  We squabble from time to time.  We probably spend too much time watching television.  But I can honestly say that we've had a pretty smooth sailing over the last three years.  This week/weekend was NOT smooth sailing at all.

We weren't just squabbling. I was losing it.  And I felt like the hurt wasn't stopping.  In the midst of it, I was seriously beginning to question if I had really been blinded by love for the last three years and had woken up to find myself with someone I didn't even know.  I was beginning to question our impending nuptials -- which are just 89 days away mind you.

I felt so distant, confused, lost, stressed, and lonely.
Pretty much the worst week of our relationship yet.

And then it hit me.  This is what real life is.  Where the other person acts without thinking and without realizing how it might affect you.  And you take it personally -- a direct torpedo to the heart.  This is what real relationships are, what they deal with.  And I'm a firm believer that it's how you deal with things that determine what kind of relationship you have.

Having grown up with parents that didn't remain married, and having been an astute student of human relationships (no seriously, I am -- I watch, observe, learn, and study other peoples relationships), that has been a constant.  No matter what the action was, it's more of the reaction/handling that sets the course of the relationship.

So I watched my words this weekend.  I did the best I could to control and appropriately react emotionally.  I stayed quiet and thought before I spoke.  I prayed the hardest in the middle of it all.  We prayed together in the middle of it all.

And he got the message.
He understands.
But he wasn't emasculated or ridiculed or disrespected just to get an upper hand during it.  He wasn't robbed of his "leader of the house" role -- in fact, I believe it was a call to action for him to be MORE of that man.

This week sucked.  But at the same time, I appreciated having that now. Before we're married.  To test us out on very serious issues and to begin to learn how we react to conflict.  DMan and I are definitely not perfect. But we are perfect for each other.

Life is GOOD!

Today is one of those days where my entire soul (not just my heart) is full to over flowing with happiness, gratitude, excitement, and hope.  There isn't anything in particular that occurred that put me in this state of being, nothing except waking up and realizing just how great God is.  And just how much potential there is for this life -- the things that can be seen, the things that can be experienced, the things that can be tasted, the things that can be shared, the things that can be given.

Oooo the goosebumps just thinking about how vast of a life we are given!
Even if I "have" to stay in Greenville NC for the rest of my life, there is so much that I can experience and appreciate.

This is the spice of life.

I Can't Get No... Satisfaction

I really wish that I weren't so stubborn/hard-headed.  That I could learn all my life lessons from books and scientifically proven studies.  Seriously.

I do not know why I am so hard headed and stubborn in learning my body and it's reactions to food. Why I am so stuck in the bad habits when I know that it does nothing good for my body and that it only makes me feel sick.  And even though I know this is what will happen, I continue to make these poor decisions.  I had Bojangles for dinner. And now I feel physically ill.

Lack of intention.
Lack of thought.
Laziness.

That's really what it boils down to.

I've been re-reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkurst, and I have been thoroughly enjoying it.  This second time of reading it has provided a new lens with which to read it through, and has honestly made more sense and more of an impact on me.  Obviously not enough of an impact as I'm still making poor decisions from time to time, but the fact is that there is an impact.  Because I'm actually aware of how my body feels after I eat.  And I'm beginning to put thought and time and intention into the choices that I make (tonight's dinner excluded).

This weekend, Dad came to visit. And he looked great -- he's lost quite a bit of weight by eating better/less and exercising more. The old fashioned way worked.  And this whole weekend, it was so interesting to me to watch how he interacted with food -- he didn't clean his plate at every meal, he didn't go back for seconds, he listened to when he was hungry/full, and he chose much healthier options than I've ever seen him choose.  It was so awesome to see!!!

Dad's behavior prompted me to check my own behavior... And I realized that I'd gotten into terrible habits without even realizing -- over eating, eating all day/grazing, not listening to my body, eating too fast, and making choices without much consideration to what I actually wanted/needed.

That awareness was good.  It continues to be good.

I'm relearning satisfaction. Being satisfied with the proper serving sizes.  Being satisfied with eating at the proper times (instead of grazing constantly). Being satisfied with the better choices.

It's infuriating to know that at one time (about four years ago), I had these lessons down pat and that I'm having to re-learn them now.  But I was made for more than what I am right now. That's for sure.

One Night At Church can Change Things...

It's been an odd day for me today... I had today off as a comp day for working this weekend, but I was still up bright and early at 430am this morning to head off and teach Bikini Boot Camp :)  It's impossible to dislike being up so early when you work with such an amazing group of women...  So after boot camp it was back to the house, where I conquered my workout and then fell into a very lazy (much needed) day.  I took multiple accidental naps, ate simply, and for the most part spent the day in quiet solitude.

I didn't get a thing accomplished that I'd put on my potential to-do list for the day, and I am very much at peace with this.

And although I didn't get many "tasks" done today, I was able to get in a lot of quality quiet time with myself, with plenty of reflection, self-honesty, and peace.

This will be a bit of a disjointed blog post, as there are several topics/events that are sitting on my heart right now.

It all started with Saturday night... As I was working this weekend, I was going to be unable to attend church on Sunday (and not attending church always puts me in a funk -- not having that praise/worship/study/learning time makes a big difference in my life), so I decided to try out another church who offers Saturday night church services.  I'd never been to this church, nor had I heard anything about it. So I went with an open mind and a curious and hopeful heart.  The worship was not my style, and the preaching was a bit too much on the pentecostal side for me (a lot of yelling into the microphone, spitting, and such).  However the actual lesson (when you could ignore the style of delivery) was quite good -- he was discussing how to pray.  And one of his points really struck me.  He discussed needing to evaluate and shift your priorities.  Which really sent me into an investigative and observational mode regarding my life.  And turned up a couple of interesting realizations.

The first realization I had after this sermon was that I am entirely too dependent upon television.  I've lived without cable and TV before, and I'm perfectly fine with it.  However, when I do have cable television, it literally rules my life.  I have to see my shows.  And I can't get anything else done until I'm caught up on my DVR...  I can't read until my shows are watched. I can't find time to do my Bible studies but I find time to make sure all my shows get watched.  I am addicted to television.  And it's disgusting.

So to spend today with so little screen time was really refreshing.  To shift and realign my priorities away from television has been very freeing these last couple of days.

And in having less screen time, I've been able to do more "paper time" reading and catching up and making some progress with a few books I've been generally neglecting.

One of those books is Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst.  The BeyondFit Physiques Life Group is reading this book this month, and the power of suggestion to read along couldn't have come at a better time.  I've reached the heaviest weight I've ever been, I'm miserable, and I feel stuck in a never ending cycle.  So to have the time the last couple of days to spend reading, reflecting, and being full of hope and encouragement in this area of my life has been so nice.

Although I am at peace and at acceptance of my body, it's not the body I want. (Yes, you can love where you are and still want to make progress to something different)  And the shift in my priorities has helped here as well.  Realizing what poor choices I've made and that I'm not doing as well as I lie to myself.  Being encouraged to make some changes.  Literally feeling my body craving the healthy changes -- it is so amazing to feel this hope and motivation for the first time in so long.

And then to have Daniel call me Saturday night (after church) and together as a couple discuss how unhappy we are with our physique and physical health and agree to be ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS for our workouts?? It was more than I could handle. I nearly cried with joy, relief, and appreciation.

So that sermon at a church that I will probably never attend again served it's purpose. I got the message God was trying to give me -- the slap to the back of the head telling me to let go of the TV and enjoy LIFE! And to reach goals! And to change.

My body hurts tonight. But it hurts in a rejoicing manner -- it hurts because it's being challenged with new workouts. It hurts because it's in the very beginning stages of changing.  And it's wonderful.

My heart is full tonight. Full of gratitude for my blessings.  Full of hope and encouragement.  Full of confidence that I can find my way through my misery and find my way to happiness and health.

If you feel like life is overwhelming, and nothing is getting accomplished, and you dislike where you are or what you look like or how you feel, start by examining what your true priorities are. You will more than likely find what's standing in your own way -- your poorly ranking priorities.