A Year of Crafting... And Work.

Hard to believe it, but in 2 weeks I will have reached my "one year anniversary" of working as a PTA professional!  In that year I've gotten engaged, gained some weight, re-dedicated myself to my faith, purchased a wedding dress, dealt with drama, been able to visit my grandparents TWICE (something I couldn't have afforded prior to this job), paid off my student loan, bought a car, visited my Dad and sister TWICE (something I couldn't have afforded prior to this job), begun regular tithing, and become more acquainted with my self and my style.  It's been one heck of a year!  A year that has challenged me professionally, personally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But lately, my passion and free time has been invested in crafty activities. :)  Seriously, I'm obsessed. (Which is a good passion to have when you're trying to plan a budget wedding!!  Will come in handy soon...)  I'm working on crocheting an afghan as a wedding present to Daniel and I.  I'm enjoying teaching myself to quilt with the tutorials provided by Sewn.  Donna and I have played around with fake flowers as bridesmaid bouquets (no final project yet; just playing around with concepts and arrangements and colors).  And I've done quite a bit of scrapbooking this year.  Oh, and did I mention I've also been trying my hand at some gardening?? (Most recently planting my first ever rose bush)

It's been a year of crafting!  And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Just some of the things I've worked on...

7 days later...

It's been 7 days since my last post, where I really talked about being in the pits.  Emotionally, professionally, physically... Rough barely even scratched the surface in describing how I felt about life, about myself, and about where I was headed.

It's amazing what a difference a week can make in your life...

• I have continued my morning Bible study routine -- this coupled with worship/praise music at any opportunity has made a big impact on my outlook on life.  I may not be super confident, but I am happy, I am hopeful, and I am grateful for the blessings that I have in my life.  This is a big step forward in combating such a negative mindset.

• I have begun tracking my food using myfitnesspal.com.  Not so much for strict calorie counting, but to simply help keep me accountable and aware of how I am treating/fueling my body.  It has really made a difference in my food choices the last week.  And I really enjoy using this tool.  It has a phone app, so I can track anywhere.

• I have also made a conscious effort to do something active every day.  Some days it's a butt kicking BeyondFit Physiques BLT workout (seriously -- you have GOT to check out this group.  Yes, I am a part of the staff, but being in the middle of my own battle, these workouts and this support group has made such a positive impact on me -- BeyondFit Physiques Blog/Website to learn more about the company and read the blog or BeyondFit Life to sign up for access to monthly workout plans and nutrition -- the BeyondFit Life is what has made the difference for me!  I don't normally give the "Hey, check this out" endorsement, but seriously, it's wonderful.), somedays it's a Zumba class (they're so much fun), someday's it's a nice walk with a friend, and someday's it's a therapeutic run in the neighborhood.  Today my "activity" happened to be 4 hours of deep cleaning my room, but that's not a normal occurance.  Just as long as I do something.

• I have made the decision to pack (and eat) my lunch for work everyday.  This has really helped cut out a lot of the junk and control portions.  Not to mention I'm avoiding all sodas!

• I am reading You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth.  I'm hoping this will help boost my confidence in the end, but right now we're at the point of the book that increases my faith, gratitude, and awareness of who I am.  I highly recommend this book also!

• I am trying to be quieter.  Not literally, but metaphorically.  I'm trying to be more peaceful, more in tune with my surroundings and my blessings, and more alert for God's whispers.

Good grief!!! It wasn't until I started writing down what I've done this week to change that I realized how much I had accomplished!  Wow... I'm more than surprised with myself.  But it's payed off -- I'm down 2 pounds and just slightly more confident.  :)

One of those...Seasons

Ever have "one of those weeks" where nothing seems to go right, all you can do is doubt yourself, you're so busy that you start questioning what your priorities are, and where all you want to do is crawl into bed and just stay there?

Yeah.  I'm there.

Except, it's been "one of those seasons" as opposed to just "one of those weeks."

I don't want to say that I'm depressed -- depression is not a topic that I take lightly or a word that I use easily.  Many members of my family have been struck by this disease and I've seen it's effects first hand -- so I don't want to diminish their experiences by using such a powerful label to describe myself.  However one thing is for certain... I am way off the beaten path that is normally "me."

And the last couple of days have really been rough.  Emotionally.  Mentally.  Confidently.  Professionally.

Just plain rough.

I've been in this mind set only once before in my life.  The summer before my senior year of college, where a break up sent my world reeling.  I lost all concept of who I was.  It was awful.  So much doubt, insecurity, fear...  Not to mention weight gain.  And I'm there again...  Priorities all twisted, life feeling somewhat upside down, the mundane day-to-day necessities even seem overwhelming.

Wah wah wah, right?
Put on your big girl panties and deal with it, Blair.

So today I began a habit that was put on the back burner -- morning Bible study after my workout.  And what a difference that made in today!  Positive attitude, confidence in my abilities and knowledge as a professional, empathy and patience.

So that was nice...  A good place to begin the re-organization of myself and my priorities.  And I pray that it's the beginning of the passing of this "season."

Weekend Recap

What a weekend!  I took a whirlwind trip to Wrightsville Beach, leaving home on Saturday morning and returning home Sunday mid afternoon, to witness and celebrate the marriage of one of my college friends.  I was really looking forward to this event for several reasons...

1.  An excuse to stay in a beach front hotel (even if only for 24 hours)
2.  An excuse to get away with the fiance on something that's actually like a vacation!
3.  Seeing many old friends from college that I haven't seen in a long time
4.  Witnessing a Jewish wedding ceremony (I'd never seen one before) of a college friend
5.  The delicious food for both hors devours as well as for dinner
6.  An open bar
7.  Being around a group of people that enjoy having fun and make everything fun wherever they go

It was a gorgeous hotel with beautiful views, the food was exquisite, the drinks were strong, and the laughs and dancing was plentiful.

Daniel had more than his fill of drinks, and paid the price today.  Unfortunately this put a damper on my hopes of spending more time on the beach and of spending some quality time exploring downtown Wilmington.  But I had such a good time seeing so many friends from college...

And my goodness... Being able to wake up and walk out onto my ocean front balcony and read with the sound of waves in the back ground??  Pure magic for me...

Relationships (with anyone)

I don't really understand why some people make relationships so difficult and complicated.  The people who thrive on this style of relationship also thrive on having the "upper hand," and thus rely on manipulation to get/have what they want.  So instead of an actual healthy relationship, it becomes something more sinister.  That sucks out the energy, positivity, and joy of having a relationship with that person.

In most situations, relationships like these begin voluntarily and innocently.  Friends.  Or maybe as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  And then when the relationship goes south, they can't walk away from a terrible lifestyle because they have begun to believe the lies of the "upper hand."

I empathize with those in relationships like these.  Not because my main squeeze treats me this way (he  most certainly doesn't).  But because I have a relationship with someone who I can never sever ties to (aka: a family member) who loves to have a difficult and complicated relationship.

I could write for hundreds of pages about this relationship.  And I have probably already written several posts about this person and our relationship already.

I won't go into specific details, because God teaches me to honor and love.  Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand this relationship.  To honorably and truthfully interact in this relationship. Because I truly feel as if the works and efforts are not reciprocated.  I truly feel consistently let down in this relationship.

So what is involved in a relationship?  Here are my thoughts on what a relationship (with anyone mind you) should include....

- Communication.  You have to talk to each other on a fairly regular basis -- both about important/serious things, as well as light hearted things.

- Time.  You have to spend time with each other, building memories and stories.

- Trust.  You have to be able to trust the person with the serious/important details with your life and know that they will be there for you when you need them.

- Comfort.  You have to be able to feel comfortable being around a person.  You can't have a relationship with someone who gives you the willies all the time.

- Respect.  You have to be able to respect each other's needs, space, and decisions in life.  You won't always agree with what someone does/says, but you have to be able to respect their decisions.

- Love.  You have to be able to love and care for a person to be in a relationship with them -- and most of the time, this love is the source of respect for a decision you disagree with.

- Effort.  You both have to put in time and effort to reach out to one another and build/strengthen a relationship.

- Courtesy.  Courtesy of each other's differing beliefs, courtesy of each other's sensitivies.

- Sacrifice.  So often you need to sacrifice for the other person.  Sometimes this comes in the form of time -- sacrificing your time to spend with the person who needs you.  It's not always about you.

- Desire.  Desire to have a relationship with someone.

- Inclusion.  You have to include each other in your lives.  Granted you can't invite everyone to everything, but you need to include a particular person in plans and activities that are appropriate for the relationship.

- Open-ness.  You have to be open and honest with those you are in relationship with.  But you also have to balance the levels of open-ness with honoring your other relationships.

Books.

Yesterday I finished the first real book I've read in a year.  That's right. A year.

How horrible!  I can't believe that I have gone this long without substantial literature in my life, that challenged me, enriched me, and touched my heart.

I used to be such a book worm.  And right now, I've got the itch again.  I've got my next book ready and lined up for me! :)

I just finished Cross Roads by Wm Paul Young.
I am about to begin The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.

After that, who knows?!  Maybe I'll finally start tackling that Books Wish List on my Amazon account :)

The Ponderings from a Day Off

It's a beautiful early summer day here in Eastern NC.  There are barely any clouds in the sky -- only the light wispy ones are visible -- there's a regular breeze, it's in the mid 80's with low humidity (I won't be singing this tune come the end of June), and I am propped up in a hammock under the shade of the back patio.  My view?  More than I could ask for in a suburban setting.  I have seen more birds fly by and land near today than I have any other day.  There's green grass in the back yard, a retention pond to my left (which actually lends a more scenic and pleasurable view with it's presence), and trees in the background.

I love trees.  Big, old, leafy trees.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed being a camp counselor at CSR for so many years -- the camp was nestled in the middle of a hardwood forest.  Oaks, maples, ash, and elms -- only the occasional pine was seen. Valleys in between the hills, typically with a stream trickling through with frogs and bees.  It was difficult to not find a peaceful spot on that property.

I've spent most of my afternoon in this hammock.  Alternately reading (currently about 2/3 of the way through Wm. Paul Young's new book Cross Roads and loving it) and checking facebook (where I found out I was volun-told to participate in a Mile Long Burpee Challenge.  I think I might die lol).

I am not sure why this hammock and this view holds such potent healing powers, but I am not going to question it.  It doesn't take long in this hammock before I become intensely introspective and not necessarily moody, but unsettled with where I am emotionally.  My mindset isn't right.

Self deprecation has abounded lately.  Guilt.  Negativity.  Dislike of my body.  Followed by sadness and depression about the "long way back" to where I was only two years ago, about how much work and dedication it will take.  Followed by the sense that I will never make it, that I'm 'doomed' to be this lumpy round version of me for the rest of my life -- that I'm becoming my mother.  Followed by further downward emotional spirals and emotional binge eating.

But here in this hammock, there is peace.



This morning, I removed all the clothes from my dresser and closet and under-bed bins that no longer fit because my waist line (and all other lines for that matter) has expanded past their capacities.  I folded them neatly, sorted them clearly, and placed them ceremoniously into large plastic storage tubs that have been "abandoned" in the garage.  Cathartic on one hand -- getting the constant reminder that I'm 'too much' for these clothes and the sense of decreased self-worth out of my daily view and life experience.  Depressing on the other hand -- so many clothes, so many cute clothes gone; my remaining 'wardrobe' is pathetic at best.

I put them in the garage as opposed to donating them to Goodwill or Salvation Army for one massive reason -- I'm not willing to give up on myself, I'm not willing to give up the dream that I will be able to one day wear those cute clothes again.  Not willing?  Not ready?  Same difference right now.



I am not sure why I go through such large emotional mountains every few years.  I get a healthy lifestyle, love it, find fulfillment in it, then somehow I lose it.  All of it.  Big time.

And then it's a fight to get back.

A very slow, painful, never ending game of tennis.



But one thing is very clear to me.  It's time to work.  Time to work on me.  Mind, body, and soul.  Time to spend more time in the hammock.  Time to spend more time in the Word.  Time to spend more time eliminating the negativity and creating self confidence.  Time to spend more time being active.  Time to spend less time eating junk.



Broken record?  Yes.  But I will continue to write about what is present in my life.  The struggles that I am experiencing.  I have to -- it helps me work through it.  And I will continue being a broken record until I can finally move the needle on the record player forward to the next song.

But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day in the comforting embrace of this rope hammock.