I've (obviously) been doing a lot of reflection lately. A lot of feeling. A lot of exploring, questioning, and stepping outside the comfort zone. I feel like I've come a long way. Learned a lot. But it's a never ending journey.
So what's next? I've moved. I've let go. I've figured out what (some of) my problems are.
So what are some things I'd like to work towards?
- Train for the 5k Tater Trot at the Sweet Potato Festival in Snow Hill NC at the end of October
- Finish Christmas crafts
And that's all I got right now... Need to work on some more goals... :(
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Introspection and Prospection
So I was talking to Kelley (my spirit guide haha) on Facebook tonight about some things. About people, relationships, and why we make the same mistakes over and over again. And Kelley made a good point -- unless you look at the men you've dated, evaluated what you were attracted to, and what led to problems, you'll continue to make those same mistakes.
So what in the world was I attracted to in these guys??
Joey
Aaron
Whoa.
I just learned a whole lot.
Sooo. The common negative denominators? Not college educated/no direction in life, didn't attend church/believe in God, poor family relationships, Ostriches, cheap-scapes, selfish (used me for rides, getting back at ex's, etc), didn't respect me/my opinions.
New requirements:
So what in the world was I attracted to in these guys??
Joey
- Nice Butt
- Nice lips --> Good kisser
- Nice hands/arms
- Laid back
- Succeeded in everything he did, but didn't know what he was going to do with his life
- Paid
- Not college educated -- until he dated me
Aaron
- Taller and more proportionate
- Nice butt, eyes, and hands!
- Marine -- cute in uniform, steady job/income, potential for benefits
- Closer in age to me
- Went to church regularly -- chose to visit me instead of church on weekends and held that against me
- Opinionated -- but became too opinionated!
- Had a truck
- Didn't know what he was going to do with his life post Marines -- still kind of floating from what I gather
- Poor family relationships
- Strong: he could pick me up!
- Didn't laugh very much though
- Laid back -- but he became too laid back and lazy in the relationship. He never wanted to go or do because it required money.
- Cheap -- not that big of a deal, but it got to a point where if it required anything more than $5, he wasn't interested
- Took care of me when I was sick
- Good listener, gave sensible suggestions
- Made me feel safe
- Shoulder injury. This endeared him to me, but it became his own worst enemy. Which then came between us.
- Knowledgeable of car problems and could fix them
- Equal sex drive
- Not college educated
- Tattoos
- Tall
- Knowledeable of carpentry -- could build things (learned that it was mostly his Dad doing the precise measurements and building)
- Had a nice truck
- Equal sex drive
- Paid and never made money an issue
- Good listener, had sensible suggestions
- Poor communicator
- Didn't know how to deal with his past or his emotions -- and couldnt be honest about them. Turned out he was still in love with his ex (after swearing up and down he wasn't)
- Did sweet things for me
- Great family relationships -- I loved his family too!
- Didn't know where he was going in life -- still doesn't
- Handled problems like an ostrich: stuck his head in the sand and hid
- Pushed for sex
- Not college educated, but in college -- though doing horribly in it
- Tattoos
- Window shopped too much around me!
- Emotional (and physical?) cheater
- used me to get back and stick it to his ex
- Navy -- no real bearing on my attraction to him besides steady job/income and potential for benefits
- Played football in high school
- Tattoos
- Tall, nice eyes, nice hands, nice butt
- We were able to talk for hours
- He liked to laugh
- Money didn't seem to be a problem, but once dating I felt somewhat guilted into paying for some things
- Didn't know where he was going in life, but did want to return to college for officer school
- Smart
- Open minded about people -- regardless of race, nationality, or gender
- Didn't attend church -- turned out he had a stink with religion and faith, which is something I dont think I could have handled
- Had a temper -- didn't want to see things another way once he made his mind up
- Had poor relationship with his mom, but good relationship with his dad, step mom, and family
- Refused to admit the truth about his female friend with whom he had a sexual attraction to -- that that's who he wanted to date
- Ostrich: stuck head in sand and closed off when hit a speed bump -- then turned it around on me!
- Pushed for sex
- Bad at sex.
- Emotionally unavailable and closed off
- Work was all-encompassing with his mind and emotions -- too much drama!
- Used me for rides?
Whoa.
I just learned a whole lot.
Sooo. The common negative denominators? Not college educated/no direction in life, didn't attend church/believe in God, poor family relationships, Ostriches, cheap-scapes, selfish (used me for rides, getting back at ex's, etc), didn't respect me/my opinions.
New requirements:
- Must have a direction and plan for life. Preferably college educated.
- Attend church regularly before meeting me. Has faith in God.
- Positive relationships with most (preferably all) family members
- Faces and tackles problems
- Doesn't mind or make a big deal of paying for things.
- Steady job
- Believes that dating is a verb
- Doesn't use me
- Emotionally available -- no recent ex's, no recent disciplines at work or with the law, no big changes coming up (moving, career change, etc)
- No issues -- no more project boys!!
- Respectful of me and my opinions -- doesn't shut me down for what I think. Doesn't call or make me feel stupid.
- Patient, kind, and understanding
- Good listener
- Likes to laugh
- Smart with his life choices -- no excessive alcohol, no drugs, good financially
- Prefers a simpler way of living -- just no excessiveness. Brands, lifestyles, consumption, etc.
- Is handy -- with cars, around the house
- Laid back -- no metro boys!!
- Tall, broad shoulders, nice butt, nice hands/forearms, easy smile
- Has respect for himself to treat his body well -- good diet and exercise (not a problem if there's some flab, just nothing excessive)
- Doesn't want to rush to sex --- must be more to the relationship and willing to wait for sex.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Great Little Article
http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/02/love-attachment-infatuation/
Thought this was a great article...
Thought this was a great article...
God Is Seriously Sending Me Messages
So today was another unemployed lonely day. Another day on my own with no purpose. And as always, another day where I try to keep busy. So I did some crafting. Some straightening up. And then I went to the beach to spend some time. It was cloudy and threatened to rain all day, but never did. So by 2:30pm I was so bored that I decided to risk it and drive to the beach and pray that it didn't rain. The minute I reach the outerbanks? It starts raining! Great. But I had nothing better to do, so I decided to wait the rain out. Thankfully I only had to wait about 15 minutes, then off onto the beach I was. Made some progress on the book (The Master and Margarita) at the beach, enjoyed some family watching, and thorougly enjoyed some surfer boy watching! Haha. What can I say?
So after an hour, I drove home. And I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was...
Anywho, so I decided to rent "The Back-Up Plan" with Jennifer Lopez. I wanted to see it in theaters, but I just can't justify spending so much money to see a movie. Such a cute movie!!! Loved loved loved it!! But even in this romantic comedy, God was sending me a message. Now some of you may think that I'm going off the deep end with God sending me messages. But I have to defend my thinking on this. Because it's not new messages. It's the same messages over and over -- that I need to open myself up and let people in. Essentially, I have to lose the bitter attitude I've gained this summer. The Back Up Plan is about Zoe, who dates countless men but none of them work out (sound familiar?). But she's now 30 and with no one in the picture, she decides to take matters into her own hands and gets inseminated (not sure I'd take it that far). And as soon as she's pregnant, she meets someone. But her past experiences with men prevent her from opening herself up, letting people in, or trusting them. Again -- sound familiar?
Of course, she can't let the guy in and she ends up heartbroken. But by the end of the movie she lets him in and all is well.
But even in the romantic comedy God presents me with a character who is independent, driven, honest, and loyal but who doesn't trust people. And she ends up very much alone because of this. And if she doesn't fix this, she will be alone forever.
I have got to let this bitterness go. But it still hurts so much... I have let go of a lot of the emotions and hurt, but the sting is still there. I want friends. I want a boyfriend. I'm so lonely without them. But I know I need to heal myself and this bitterness first.
So after an hour, I drove home. And I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was...
Anywho, so I decided to rent "The Back-Up Plan" with Jennifer Lopez. I wanted to see it in theaters, but I just can't justify spending so much money to see a movie. Such a cute movie!!! Loved loved loved it!! But even in this romantic comedy, God was sending me a message. Now some of you may think that I'm going off the deep end with God sending me messages. But I have to defend my thinking on this. Because it's not new messages. It's the same messages over and over -- that I need to open myself up and let people in. Essentially, I have to lose the bitter attitude I've gained this summer. The Back Up Plan is about Zoe, who dates countless men but none of them work out (sound familiar?). But she's now 30 and with no one in the picture, she decides to take matters into her own hands and gets inseminated (not sure I'd take it that far). And as soon as she's pregnant, she meets someone. But her past experiences with men prevent her from opening herself up, letting people in, or trusting them. Again -- sound familiar?
Of course, she can't let the guy in and she ends up heartbroken. But by the end of the movie she lets him in and all is well.
But even in the romantic comedy God presents me with a character who is independent, driven, honest, and loyal but who doesn't trust people. And she ends up very much alone because of this. And if she doesn't fix this, she will be alone forever.
I have got to let this bitterness go. But it still hurts so much... I have let go of a lot of the emotions and hurt, but the sting is still there. I want friends. I want a boyfriend. I'm so lonely without them. But I know I need to heal myself and this bitterness first.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A Kept Promise
Well, I went to church this morning! And I loved it!! :) :)
It was a small church, and the message was great! It really spoke to me. I moved to New Bern with every intention of not beginning any new relationships. I wanted this time to myself. Four months of me on my own -- figuring myself out, doing things I liked. But I went to church today to meet another personal fulfillment goal, and what's the message? We were made to have relationships with other people. And that we need to always push ourselves to have better relationships.
I really liked the service -- it was modern, relatable, and understandable.
As I was walking out, the minister pulled me aside and encouraged me to get involved. He then introduced me to some people who would be in my Sunday school (which meets in the evenings), and long story short -- I ended up going to "Small Group" (their version of Sunday School)!
I was really surprised with myself for getting so involved so quickly. I knew no one, and was intimidated by the fact that everyone there was in a relationship with a Marine and that 3 of the Marines were there. But everyone turned out to be really nice, really mature, really level-headed, and really focused on their relationship with God and Christ. It was exactly what I needed. The wives were really nice, and they inspire me to be like them -- to be mature, to believe in love, to be honest and open minded.
But one question that we talked at length about: What is standing in your way to leading a high definition life? And before the question was even finished, I knew what my answer was: my own bitterness. And I shared this with the group, explaining that in the recent past, I've been so hurt and disappointed by people in my life that I had become numb and closed off to people. That I was just tired of people and opening myself up to them. And they responded really well to it. One wife even said that she went through a period just like that and that it was the best time of her life -- she learned so much about herself. So that really encouraged me to continue on this journey, but to also stay open for friendships.
So I got the message about friends, God. I'm still confused about whether or not you want me to apply that to relationships with Men (are you also telling me that my relationship embargo is equally idiotic?), but I think that for now, I've made quite a connection with God, with this new church, and with the people in my Small Group. A step in the right direction.
I'm so glad that I went to church. That I made that promise to myself, that I kept it, and that God spoke to me through the message of the week. And that I was open-eared enough to hear it. So I begin this week on a positive note, with a personal revelation, and with a hope-filled heart.
It was a small church, and the message was great! It really spoke to me. I moved to New Bern with every intention of not beginning any new relationships. I wanted this time to myself. Four months of me on my own -- figuring myself out, doing things I liked. But I went to church today to meet another personal fulfillment goal, and what's the message? We were made to have relationships with other people. And that we need to always push ourselves to have better relationships.
I really liked the service -- it was modern, relatable, and understandable.
As I was walking out, the minister pulled me aside and encouraged me to get involved. He then introduced me to some people who would be in my Sunday school (which meets in the evenings), and long story short -- I ended up going to "Small Group" (their version of Sunday School)!
I was really surprised with myself for getting so involved so quickly. I knew no one, and was intimidated by the fact that everyone there was in a relationship with a Marine and that 3 of the Marines were there. But everyone turned out to be really nice, really mature, really level-headed, and really focused on their relationship with God and Christ. It was exactly what I needed. The wives were really nice, and they inspire me to be like them -- to be mature, to believe in love, to be honest and open minded.
But one question that we talked at length about: What is standing in your way to leading a high definition life? And before the question was even finished, I knew what my answer was: my own bitterness. And I shared this with the group, explaining that in the recent past, I've been so hurt and disappointed by people in my life that I had become numb and closed off to people. That I was just tired of people and opening myself up to them. And they responded really well to it. One wife even said that she went through a period just like that and that it was the best time of her life -- she learned so much about herself. So that really encouraged me to continue on this journey, but to also stay open for friendships.
So I got the message about friends, God. I'm still confused about whether or not you want me to apply that to relationships with Men (are you also telling me that my relationship embargo is equally idiotic?), but I think that for now, I've made quite a connection with God, with this new church, and with the people in my Small Group. A step in the right direction.
I'm so glad that I went to church. That I made that promise to myself, that I kept it, and that God spoke to me through the message of the week. And that I was open-eared enough to hear it. So I begin this week on a positive note, with a personal revelation, and with a hope-filled heart.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Church
Tomorrow, I am going to visit my first church in New Bern!!! I am seriously excited about getting back to church. I hope I like this church... It was recommended to me by Becky, whose church I loved. So I have high hopes that this one will be a good fit for me.
I've really missed having a church home. I didn't find a good church in Greenville until my Senior year, so I wasn't really able to establish roots with the church. So I'm trying to be more pro-active in New Bern about finding a church home. I want to be surrounded by people who are good -- who have good morals, who work hard, who encourage and inspire me to be better. I hope that I will be able to make friends at church. And who knows, maybe meet a nice boy? Meeting a guy at church has a lot of attraction to me -- I want a man who has faith. That's an important quality for me.
I'm not going to church to try and find a boyfriend, because I am sticking to my mission -- to get back to me and take these next four months to myself. These four months are so important to me. But I am saying that I recognize that church is a good place to meet people. And I'm excited to start looking for a good church! For friends, for guidance, for support, for encouragement.
I've really missed having a church home. I didn't find a good church in Greenville until my Senior year, so I wasn't really able to establish roots with the church. So I'm trying to be more pro-active in New Bern about finding a church home. I want to be surrounded by people who are good -- who have good morals, who work hard, who encourage and inspire me to be better. I hope that I will be able to make friends at church. And who knows, maybe meet a nice boy? Meeting a guy at church has a lot of attraction to me -- I want a man who has faith. That's an important quality for me.
I'm not going to church to try and find a boyfriend, because I am sticking to my mission -- to get back to me and take these next four months to myself. These four months are so important to me. But I am saying that I recognize that church is a good place to meet people. And I'm excited to start looking for a good church! For friends, for guidance, for support, for encouragement.
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