The Slap of Reality

I mean, I knew I'd gained some weight in the last year.  I could feel it.  And I knew I'd lost my mojo when it comes to working out and living healthy.

But I was not prepared for what hit me tonight.

I went shopping for an Easter dress.  I went to four different stores.  The story isn't about the fact that spring time dresses this year are at an all time low point in fashion.  The story is that everything I tried on had to be a size 14.

I have not been this size since junior year in college.
I swore I would never return to this size.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THESE POUNDS BEFORE TONIGHT?!

I felt terrible.  Nothing looked or felt cute.  I felt like a marshmallow trying to squeeze into a straw.  My self confidence hit an all time low.

And although I've already begun dieting (well, healthy eating) and better exercise habits (and even seen some positive changes on the scale), I was shocked.  I have had enough.  I cannot live like this any longer -- with no energy, no drive for life, no confidence, and nearly no clothes that fit.  If I weren't already on a new way of living, I would have changed tonight.  But tonight only cemented in my brain that I can no longer make excuses and "let it slide."

It's do or die time.
Because if I keep going down that path of no sensible living, it could very well kill me.

The Starting Line

Good grief.  How far down this black hole of increased pounds (and we're not talking muscle here -- we're talking good ol' fluff) and decreased self-confidence am I going to allow myself to fall??  How much further am I going to go before I throw my hands up in defiance and begin to rebel??

I pray that I am at that point.  I am officially at the heaviest weight I've been in 5 years.  And I hate it.  I feel awkward, unattractive, miserable, not confident, somewhat depressed, "less than," and bloated.

I have most definitely lost my "workout groove."  I used to love to workout, and was able to challenge myself to the point where I would be sore the following day.  Now?  My workouts are sporadic and although I am breathless and sweaty, I am not sore.  Not to mention I know that I am choosing the easier modifications and I know that I am cutting my workouts entirely too short to do myself any good.

I have also most definitely lost my love of healthy foods, appropriate portions, and smart choices.  My diet is full of rich foods -- read: high in calories, high in carbs, high in sugar.  My portions are out of control.  My addiction to sweets is back with a vengeance. I eat so quickly I barely taste what I'm eating and then am so hungry for taste that I eat more.

I've had the breakdown that usually ushers in change with Daniel.  (Poor guy had to witness my breakdown on the phone and bear with me through it)  I've begun tracking my calories and tracking my weight.  I've switched from my sugary sodas to water 90% of the time.  I'm trying to figure my workouts out...

But this is not enough.  And these images are imprinting the importance of getting myself straightened out NOW:

So.... Tomorrow... It's a new day.  I'm no longer on vacation at my grandparents.  I have no excuses anymore.  I have my lunch pre-cooked and in the fridge.  I have a fancy new water bottle to use (it has a straw!).  There's a Zumba class tomorrow evening at the gym (I go because I have so much fun with it!).  I even have the ingredients for my filling (but light) breakfast.

Tomorrow will be a good day.
I can do this.

Because I can't keep doing what I've been doing -- not a moment longer.

Not What I Expected

It has been quite a weekend...  Throughout the weekend I have felt: emotional, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, mad, sad, hopeful, refreshed, scared, confused, loved, on guard.  Like I said, it has been quite a weekend.  And it has left me exhausted.  I am still hurt.  I am now on guard, with my walls up.  But I am committed to this person and the relationship that I have with them.

So I am drained.  I am just so...

Sigh.

So I turn to God, to His word, my studies of His word to guide me through this.

I can handle all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phillipians 4:13

25

I've been 25 for about 3 weeks now, and it's really beginning to sink in... All those things that you should have established or begin establishing as habits for the rest of your life -- they all have the age "25" as their magic number.

Skin care regimen -- should be in place
Anti Aging Skin Care Regimen -- should begin
Financial Responsibility -- should be in place
Career -- should be in place
Investing for Retirement -- should begin
Serious Relationships/Marriage -- should begin
Relationship with God -- should be in place
Regular sleep schedule -- should be in place
Good eating habits -- should be in place
Regular exercise -- should be in place
Personal style -- should be in place
Organized closet/dresser -- should be in place
Make up regimen -- should be in place
Balance -- should be in place
Mental Clarity -- should be in place
Confidence -- should be in place
Social Life -- should be in place

Okay, so you get the picture...  You see why "25" is kind of a big deal.  It's like, I'm really supposed to act like an adult now.  Blech!

Or perhaps this is just how I perceive what should be happening at the age of 25.  I mean, honestly... There is no way in hell that this list is realistic.  At.  All.

And yet... These are things I would like to accomplish.  These are things I'm beginning to accomplish.

I'm tackling financial responsibility.  I've begun my career.  I'm in a serious relationship.  I'm working on my relationship with God.  I'm getting better with my sleep schedule, eating, exercise, closet/dresser.  Still need to work on that style bit...  And balance/mental clarity/confidence.

I don't know.  I am a work in progress, a piece of art that will not be declared complete until my dying day (because that's when God will call me home).  So I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself.  But I definitely don't want to be working until I'm 65 years old and look like I'm 90 because I didn't take care of my skin! haha.

Good thing I've got 49 more weeks of being 25 to figure some of this stuff out...

Big Changes vs Small Changes in Goals

"The other thing psychology research tells us is that the chance of long-term success when you try to change more than one thing at a time is less than 10%.  You may be able to sustain these changes for a short time, 1-4 weeks, but in the end the brain will resist and default back to its old ways. Change one small thing at a time and your chance of success is greater that 85%." - Jade Teta, Metabolic Effect

This is why most New Years Resolutions fail.

So I have to be careful in how I set my goals for 2013... Glad I have another couple of days to consider what my goals are... Because I'm not quite sure yet!!

An Overwhelmingly Blessed CHRISTmas

Wow.  I am not sure how much more blessed I could possibly be after this Christmas season!!

I have been blessed to be able to see my family and enjoy some long overdue quality time with them, while also enjoying a field trip to the Biltmore.  I have been blessed to be able to celebrate my birthday with my family and with my boyfriend.  I've been blessed to have time off from work to spend with family for Christmas and my birthday.  I've been blessed with financial means to travel, celebrate, gift, and even pay off my student loan in the process.  I've been blessed with the love of God through his only Son -- whose birthday we get to celebrate this week.  And I've been blessed enough to have Christmas Day off of work to spend with Daniel's family -- celebrating together.

Not to mention, that after this Christmas season, I pretty much have a new wardrobe, new watch/accessories that I had been lacking, new towels, new sheets, three new pairs of shoes, a new-to-me Bernina sewing machine (along with all the accessories, more fabric, and a sundry collection of quilting books and notions), and a variety of other small things that my everyday routine was missing out from (you know, those little things that just makes your life that much more comfortable -- like shaving cream, foundation, bath gel, shampoo, socks, etc).

Of course, Christmas is not just about presents or the things that you get.  Which is why I feel even more blessed to finally have a better understanding of this!  I've always known what Christmas celebrated, but I don't think I ever fully grasped the gravity of the event.  Granted, I still don't (and probably never will) understand it totally, but it's really sinking into my heart this year just how special a celebration this is!

I look ahead to the coming year of 2013, and it is full of hopes, dreams, goals, and plans.  I am looking forward to creating a vision board (a picture of which I will share here) that culminates all of these things that shows not just where I want to go and what I want to accomplish next year, but it also demonstrates just how much I have grown this year!

Life is good, Thanks Be to God.

Need to Re-Focus

It's a beautiful, 74 degree sunny December day (in NC mind you!  Didn't win the lottery and visit FL haha), and I find myself home alone, off work early, and with a moment of quiet and a mind that is itching to write.  The hammock has been put away for winter storage, so instead of setting myself in it's roped comfort to sway suspended in the air, I settle for my spot on my bed. I'd open the window for a breeze, but the Christmas lights are up and blocking that from happening.  So I pretend...

The next couple of weeks are going to be very busy.  I work basically 9 days straight to compensate for some vacation time that I'm taking in order to visit Dad and Meghan for Christmas :)  I think we are all excited about the visit -- Dad contacts me every day to give me the updated countdown lol.  But I have a lot to accomplish in these 9 working days.  I've got 6 different baked goods to prepare for goodie baskets as Christmas gifts.  I've got a hair appointment for a new look.  I've got to pack (blech!).  I've also got to spend some quality time focusing on my goals and staying on track.

I've begun following the Metabolic Effect Diet Lifestyle -- a book that you can find here (no, I don't get any money for endorsing this book) -- that is based on hormonal effects of food and exercise.  I love it because it streamlines exercise into 20minute workouts three times a week, and the food portion is pretty much the simplest thing ever.  I began this about five weeks ago.  The first three weeks I was on track (and saw major results).  But last week was not so good -- so I'm really having to refocus and get myself back on track.  (Of course, this would be much easier if I made the time to prepare my meals like I take the time to catch up on my DVR!)

Anywho, let me get back to my point between Christmas vacation/stress/new lifestyle.  I am really feeling the effects of "this time of the year."  The stress is really affecting my cravings, and the busy schedule is really affecting my ability to have time to prepare meals ahead of time.  THEN I'm looking at a four day trip from my relatively healthy world into the world of my Dad's excellent (aka unhealthy) cooking.  It's going to be really tough for me to watch my portion sizes and to stay committed to completing my workouts while on vacation.  I'm going to need some accountability on this trip... Thankfully Daniel will be there and he can help me out.

So I need to create some goals for the next two weeks...

• I promise myself to spend some time with God and His Word once a day.  Even if it's just a short devotional.
• I promise to stay committed to my weight training 3x/week -- even on vacation.  I will take weights, my GymBoss Trainer, and workout clothes on my trip.  I will recruit the help of Daniel and my friends to hold me accountable to this goal.
• I promise to relegate myself to sensible portion sizes when at Dad's and to not eat my weight in food.
• I promise that before I go on this trip, to make smart decisions when fueling my body.  To allow myself the one cheat meal on Thursday before my trip.
• I promise to enjoy my time with my family, and to not stress over the little things.  I promise to make memories, not enemies.

Okay.  I've written them down.  Now to share, post them on my walls, and live by them...