Oops.

Two days of unclean eating is a sure way to remind me why I don't want to eat that way.  I feel sick, bloated, nauseous, tired/less energetic, and a whole lot grumpier than I should be.  It's amazing how a little junk food affects more than just my weight.

The sad thing is, just a couple days of being 'off program' has left me feeling lots of cravings and a decreased focus on being true to myself and honoring this temple that God has given me.  It's going to be a fight to eat right today...

But I love some of JillFit's tweets in this situation: (seriously -- if you tweet, you need to follow this girl. She is awesome)
- I don't care what you weigh, your body is still a masterpiece. The great thing is that you can always make it stronger, better, and happier. (Retweeted from Richard Simmons)
- If we want support from others, often *we* have to own our stuff first. Embrace your journey, and let affirmation come later :)
- Kindness >>>>>>>>>>>>>
- There's no one best nutrition plan. There's only YOUR plan--what will work for you. Stop being a dieter & become a detective.
- Your future physique is being created at your very next meal! #choices

Fuck You Fat.

I don't know what else can elicit simultaneous feelings of determination/motivation as well as heart-break/disgusted.  Only one thing can:  trying on last years "fat shorts" only to find that they are all too small.  Holy fuck that sucks.

::raises hand:: This is me right now.

In the midst of making the positive changes, making what feels like progress (even on the scale! -4lbs), and then I get punched in the stomach.  Hard.  Take my breath away and sink to my knees in pain hard.  Talk about discouragement.  Talk about embarrassment.  Talk about feeling like a failure.

And in the same breath, it is the most motivating thing that has happened to me in about a week.  I refuse to be like this, to surrender to the feelings of failure and self-doubt.  I will not yield to this devil.  This devil will be beaten -- no no no.  His ass is about to get WHOO'PED.  Devil, you think that can stop me?! HAH!  You clearly don't know me.

This makes me even more proud of myself for having gotten up at 430am to go workout this morning.  To have killed it at Bikini Boot Camp with the girls this morning.  To have been dripping with sweat and sprawled on the floor by the end.  That's right.  I committed murder this morning -- OF MY FAT CELLS!

And yes, it will not be an instant change.  And yes, I am struggling.  BUT I WILL DO THIS.  For myself.  For Daniel.  For my health.  For my future.  For the weddings I will attend this summer.  For my wedding next year.  For pride.  For confidence.  To prove that I can do it.  Again.  To achieve that healthy lifestyle where I enjoy working out and where I don't crave sweets and junk food.  I WILL DO THIS.

Get ready Devil.  You done drawn the last straw.  I will not get abused by your negativity any longer. Fuck off, fat.

And with my new tankini on hand, you won't stop me from going to the beach either.  Even if I am that girl -- the beached whale.

My broken record of frustration continues... Frustration with my size, how I feel, how I look.  Frustration with choosing the right way to fix it.  Frustration with everything that has to be done.

So I have to revert back to my positive affirmations to keep me on the straight and narrow for today.  Sigh.

And I think I need to remove the scale.  It's a negative influence.

The Slap of Reality

I mean, I knew I'd gained some weight in the last year.  I could feel it.  And I knew I'd lost my mojo when it comes to working out and living healthy.

But I was not prepared for what hit me tonight.

I went shopping for an Easter dress.  I went to four different stores.  The story isn't about the fact that spring time dresses this year are at an all time low point in fashion.  The story is that everything I tried on had to be a size 14.

I have not been this size since junior year in college.
I swore I would never return to this size.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THESE POUNDS BEFORE TONIGHT?!

I felt terrible.  Nothing looked or felt cute.  I felt like a marshmallow trying to squeeze into a straw.  My self confidence hit an all time low.

And although I've already begun dieting (well, healthy eating) and better exercise habits (and even seen some positive changes on the scale), I was shocked.  I have had enough.  I cannot live like this any longer -- with no energy, no drive for life, no confidence, and nearly no clothes that fit.  If I weren't already on a new way of living, I would have changed tonight.  But tonight only cemented in my brain that I can no longer make excuses and "let it slide."

It's do or die time.
Because if I keep going down that path of no sensible living, it could very well kill me.

The Starting Line

Good grief.  How far down this black hole of increased pounds (and we're not talking muscle here -- we're talking good ol' fluff) and decreased self-confidence am I going to allow myself to fall??  How much further am I going to go before I throw my hands up in defiance and begin to rebel??

I pray that I am at that point.  I am officially at the heaviest weight I've been in 5 years.  And I hate it.  I feel awkward, unattractive, miserable, not confident, somewhat depressed, "less than," and bloated.

I have most definitely lost my "workout groove."  I used to love to workout, and was able to challenge myself to the point where I would be sore the following day.  Now?  My workouts are sporadic and although I am breathless and sweaty, I am not sore.  Not to mention I know that I am choosing the easier modifications and I know that I am cutting my workouts entirely too short to do myself any good.

I have also most definitely lost my love of healthy foods, appropriate portions, and smart choices.  My diet is full of rich foods -- read: high in calories, high in carbs, high in sugar.  My portions are out of control.  My addiction to sweets is back with a vengeance. I eat so quickly I barely taste what I'm eating and then am so hungry for taste that I eat more.

I've had the breakdown that usually ushers in change with Daniel.  (Poor guy had to witness my breakdown on the phone and bear with me through it)  I've begun tracking my calories and tracking my weight.  I've switched from my sugary sodas to water 90% of the time.  I'm trying to figure my workouts out...

But this is not enough.  And these images are imprinting the importance of getting myself straightened out NOW:

So.... Tomorrow... It's a new day.  I'm no longer on vacation at my grandparents.  I have no excuses anymore.  I have my lunch pre-cooked and in the fridge.  I have a fancy new water bottle to use (it has a straw!).  There's a Zumba class tomorrow evening at the gym (I go because I have so much fun with it!).  I even have the ingredients for my filling (but light) breakfast.

Tomorrow will be a good day.
I can do this.

Because I can't keep doing what I've been doing -- not a moment longer.

Not What I Expected

It has been quite a weekend...  Throughout the weekend I have felt: emotional, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, mad, sad, hopeful, refreshed, scared, confused, loved, on guard.  Like I said, it has been quite a weekend.  And it has left me exhausted.  I am still hurt.  I am now on guard, with my walls up.  But I am committed to this person and the relationship that I have with them.

So I am drained.  I am just so...

Sigh.

So I turn to God, to His word, my studies of His word to guide me through this.

I can handle all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phillipians 4:13

25

I've been 25 for about 3 weeks now, and it's really beginning to sink in... All those things that you should have established or begin establishing as habits for the rest of your life -- they all have the age "25" as their magic number.

Skin care regimen -- should be in place
Anti Aging Skin Care Regimen -- should begin
Financial Responsibility -- should be in place
Career -- should be in place
Investing for Retirement -- should begin
Serious Relationships/Marriage -- should begin
Relationship with God -- should be in place
Regular sleep schedule -- should be in place
Good eating habits -- should be in place
Regular exercise -- should be in place
Personal style -- should be in place
Organized closet/dresser -- should be in place
Make up regimen -- should be in place
Balance -- should be in place
Mental Clarity -- should be in place
Confidence -- should be in place
Social Life -- should be in place

Okay, so you get the picture...  You see why "25" is kind of a big deal.  It's like, I'm really supposed to act like an adult now.  Blech!

Or perhaps this is just how I perceive what should be happening at the age of 25.  I mean, honestly... There is no way in hell that this list is realistic.  At.  All.

And yet... These are things I would like to accomplish.  These are things I'm beginning to accomplish.

I'm tackling financial responsibility.  I've begun my career.  I'm in a serious relationship.  I'm working on my relationship with God.  I'm getting better with my sleep schedule, eating, exercise, closet/dresser.  Still need to work on that style bit...  And balance/mental clarity/confidence.

I don't know.  I am a work in progress, a piece of art that will not be declared complete until my dying day (because that's when God will call me home).  So I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself.  But I definitely don't want to be working until I'm 65 years old and look like I'm 90 because I didn't take care of my skin! haha.

Good thing I've got 49 more weeks of being 25 to figure some of this stuff out...