O Christmas Tree

The holidays have officially arrived.  I spent Thanksgiving with Daniel's family, which was lovely.  It went by too quickly, and I had to turn around and drive home to be at work the next day.  But I was grateful that Daniel was able to come visit me this weekend, where we enjoyed some quality shopping time together.  And then the four of us worked like a NASCAR pit crew to throw up the Christmas tree in record time.

There's something about sitting in front of a glowing Christmas tree, with the old time crooner's playing their Christmas tunes on the stereo that just puts you in a mood.  When Daniel was sitting next to me an hour ago, it was a decidedly cuddly mood.  When the roommates were gathered around the tree as well, it was a mood of thankfulness and heightened awareness of how blessed I am. When everyone has gone out on their errands, it has become a total reflective state of mind.

This has been quite a year.  A year of struggle.  A year of positive change.  A year of new beginnings.  A year of stepping out on my own and becoming more of an adult.  So grateful for the struggle and the joy.

- Moving into Chrissy's house
- Growing closer to God
- Graduating from PTA school
- Getting licensed as a PTA
- Starting my first big girl job
- Taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University
- Beginning to teach myself how to quilt
- Slowly working on a better relationship with my Mom
- Becoming involved in BFP
- Finding the better way to slim down
- Getting closer with Daniel's mom
- Being able to give more to my church and my family
- Making progress on paying down debt
- Being able to finance my car repairs without having to phone Dad for help
- Having health insurance
- Continuing a positive relationship with Daniel
- Living through the financial strife of being a student to being a more financial independent adult

So grateful.

I forever feel like I am picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put the puzzle together.  I look at so many other young women's lives and see a life that is so much more put together than mine is.   When I compare to my life, which just seems so... Behind.  Women my age have their shit together.  They have cars that at least work.  They have a place of their own.  Their spiritual lives seem so much richer and deeper than mine.  They're better cooks.  They're more organized and less messy.

But me?  I feel like I am perpetually falling apart.  I go through a short period of reprieve and then my house of cards tumbles right back down on me.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was on the right track.

I thought things were looking up.  But now?  I don't have a car that works.  I don't have a neat/organized life.  I don't manage my time well.  I don't have the deep, spiritual relationship that I crave (I crave God. I have God, but I crave more of Him, more of his peace, more understanding of his word).  I really am not that good of a cook.  I have not created a home that is put together -- it is a mix-matched jig-saw puzzle that does not match or go, just more chaos.

I just had to face the reality that my own bank won't approve me for a loan without a co-signer because I don't have enough credit history.  So if I want to purchase, I have to roll the dice and hope a dealer can finance me without a co-signer.  And if they don't?  I just dinged my credit from the credit applications for no reason.

I am just so overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with everything I "should" be doing.

Bucket List

I think there are some things that I actually want to put on my bucket list (no laughing at lame-ness)

- Learn, respect, and change my attitude about food.  Learn to view it as fuel for my body and NOT happiness for my mind.

-  Be respected as a PTA by my co-workers and patients.

-  Be debt free

-  Buy a car

1 Month Down

It's another hazy morning here -- I don't think the weather got the memo that we are now in September, and that therefore it's supposed to start transforming into more tolerable conditions -- and I once again find myself awake on a Saturday morning entirely too early.  Long gone are the days of sleeping in; or so it seems.  Although I tried to will myself back to sweet slumber, it could not be achieved.  So instead, I'll opt for a little personal reflection (aka blogging) and then follow up with some Bible Study.  :)

I have officially survived the first month of my career.  It's hard for me to believe that the time has gone so quickly.  My mother was right (gasp) -- time speeds up as you get older.  There was so much self-doubt and nervousness that took up that first month.  And I wish that I could say that it's gone away; but it's still there.  I'm still nervous every time I begin to work with a foreign and new patient, whose acronyms in their chart I'm not sure I know what they mean.  Whose nurses always seem to be a little to snippy and seem bothered that I check in with them prior to treatment (although I will always continue -- four times now checking with the nurses has stopped inappropriate care).  My coworkers are very knowledgeable -- they seem quite intimidating to me, and I hate peppering them with so many questions -- I should have absorbed more from school.  But honestly, as challenging as it is, I love my job.  I love being able to work with a person and touch them and make even the smallest difference in their day.  And I pray that I am planting seeds of hope and goodness (also God) in my patients.

I find myself more and more in prayer these days -- turning to God to take my worries and to guide me through the day has made the biggest change in me.  When I don't do this, I can feel the difference; it's not fun.  He has helped bring me through this month and to guide and encourage me the whole time.  My strength comes from the Lord.  And oh how great it is!

Yesterday was a long and chaotic and doubtful day at work.  I came home feeling a good bit deflated and down-trodden.  I retreated to my room and stayed there for quite some time.  When I traveled downstairs, I found Chrissy and Leah (my roommates) sitting at the dinner table with Dawn -- one of the most amazing, wise, and knowledgeable Christian women I have ever met (and who Chrissy has asked to be her Mentor and Accountability Partner in Christ).  I knew Chrissy had asked Dawn to come over to pray and study a problem her heart was having with being surrounded by so many divorces, but I wasn't expecting to be drawn to the table.  I didn't want to interrupt or intrude, but I felt like I needed to be there for this conversation.

And I am so glad that I sat down at that table.

We spent the next two and a half hours listening and absorbing Dawn's wisdom.  Wisdom about how marriages have been cheapened, about Christian gender roles vs Womens Rights gender roles, about the sanctity of your body, about the impact of your decisions.  And how there are no mistakes; there are bad choices, but God can use those bad choices to do good.  About desert years and silent years -- and how you get through them.  About how important the Word is.

It filled my heart.
It filled my soul.
It rejuvenated me.

I want to have a happy marriage that does not end in divorce.  I want Christian gender roles in my marriage. I want God's blessing.  So it's time for me to study these things.  To find out what my role and purpose is.  To seek Him and His opinion.

Finding myself surrounded by women who are believers and who want to seek God has made the biggest difference in my faith journey.  It's so much more powerful (and fun) when others are with me.

The Noticer

This morning, with just a hint of Fall in the air and the skys finally showing patches of blue, I finished the most amazing book: The Noticer.

This book was one that the Ladies Group at church picked for one of their summer Book Club reads (the other was The Shack, which I did not read), and we'll be meeting to discuss this book on Wednesday.  But this book was amazing.  My copy was bought new, has only been read once, but is covered in highlights, notes, underlines, circles -- and the spine is well worn.

The bottom line?  Life is all about perspective.  And gaining some good perspective will make the biggest difference in the direction of your life.

I wanted to share a few of the highlights/underline/notes that I made:

"Think with me here... Everybody wants to be on the mountaintop, but if you'll remember, mountaintops are rocky and cold.  There is no growth on the top of a mountain.  Sure, the view is great, but what's a view for?  A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination -- our next target.  But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope.  It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak."

How often I have directed my life to reach "the mountain top"!  To get to this high and lofty earthly place.  But why?  Why is that where I want to be?  After reading this, I realize I don't want to reach the top of the mountain as my goal.  And maybe we need to reverse our thinking about the good times and the bad times.  Maybe the bad times should be associated with the top of the mountain -- where we are largely isolated and removed, left cold in a desolate place that can't even sustain growth.  And yet we're closest to God when we're in the bad times -- another reason why they should be associated with mountain tops -- because they're physically closer to the earthly description of heaven.

So now I don't want to climb the mountain and reach the highest peak -- I want to live in the valley, protected from storms by the mountains, surrounded by dense and fruitful growth.  All the while maintaining my relationship with God.

"Whatever you focus upon, increases."

My worries increase when I focus on them.  My patient's pain increases when they focus on it.  Needs, wants, hunger, boredom, discontent, anger, frustration -- so very true.

"When you focus on the things you need," he went on to explain, "you'll find those needs increasing.  If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don't have, you will soon be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have -- and feel worse! If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose... But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."

"All people -- all lives -- are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or headed for a crisis."

We are forever backpacking the Appalachian Trail -- up and down mountains, in and out of crisis, good times to bad.  Life is an ebb and flow -- regardless of how "well off" or "bad off" someone seems.  We need to recognize this fact and use this knowledge to change how we treat and approach people.  Treating everyone with a little more humanity will make the biggest difference in this world.

"It's time to stop letting your history control your destiny."

How many times we need to hear this fact!  It's like the song goes:

"A person consumed by worry can focus.  Isn't it obvious?  Worry is focus!  But it's focus on the wrong things."

Oh boy.  This one really hits home for me.  I, and pretty much my entire paternal side of the family, are worry warts.  I have to blame genetics, but it doesn't remove the fact that we focus on all the wrong things.  I really need to work on this -- so that when I begin worrying about something, I will consciously shift my focus.

"The seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart."

They cannot.  Every time I've felt myself slipping into depressive tendencies (another bit of my paternal genetic inheritance), I've turned my focus to finding my blessings and focusing on them.  No matter how small or basic (including clean socks), it always works.

"Wisdom can be gathered in your downtime.  Wisdom that can change the very course of your life will come from the people you are around, the books you read, and the things you listen to or watch on radio or television." ---The power of influence

The power of influence.  Funny, because I read this chapter right after this message about the power of influence: Back to the Start: Influence

"A leaf is an indicator.  One can walk through the forest and never look up.  But you can pick up a single leaf and know all sorts of information about the tree you are under."

"Many of life's treasures remain hidden from us simply because we never search for them."

"Your big picture will never be a masterpiece if you ignore the tiny brushstrokes." 

So often we hear "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  But this book makes a convincing argument that the small stuff matters.  The small stuff makes up the big stuff, so to ignore it is guarantee failure/problems.  So start small to build big.  That's how they build a house!  They start piece by piece to create a mansion.

"Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions?"

Stunning, isn't that question?  I was speechless.  How hypocritical we are by nature!

"Remember, forgiveness is an altogether different thing from trust or respect.  Forgiveness is about the past.  Trust and respect are about the future.  Forgiveness will be in the hands of others and can be given to you, but trust and respect are in your own hands... and they must be earned."

That's a tough difference to make...  We are not control of our earthly forgiveness.  But we are in control in our behavior and our actions that leads to trust and respect that will diminish the need for earthly forgiveness.

"No matter your past, you can choose your future."

Learn from the past.  Grow from it.  Move on from it.  Create the future you want.  Don't punish yourself for the rest of your life.

"One day, you will look back on this 'worst time' in your life as a fortuitous event.  Even your worst times have value and can become, in retrospect, your best times."

So. True.  The last two years were "awful" as I was living them.  But looking back, I can see what power those two years had for me.  And they weren't awful!

What a Week!!

Oh my goodness...  The past week has been a legitimate rollercoaster for me.  I took my boards last Tuesday, and then was in a state of limbo until yesterday when I found out whether I passed or not.  It was the longest week of my life, fraught with stress, emotion, and frustration.

But in the midst of all of this, some good things occurred -- secured myself a new fitness job, which is very exciting!  I'll be teaching some Monday/Wednesday/Friday morning Boot Camp classes (see http://beyondfitphysiques.com/ for info about what that's all about) and I'm super stoked about it!  I'm excited to be involved with a group of wonderful women who will help motivate and encourage me to be more steadfast with my own habits (I've already noticed changes!).  Teaching is honestly one of my favorite things to do.


Daniel has also applied for a position with the local police department in my town and has an interview on the 2nd.  It's very exciting for him (and for me! I'd love for us to be closer!!) and so prayers would be greatly appreciated as he begins the process.  He's also signed up to take his motorcycle class the weekend of the 5th, which successful completion means he can carry passengers (aka ME!).


And Tuesday was the big day --- the day I found out whether or not I passed my board exam, which determined whether or not I could begin working at the hospital, which determined my financial health.  So no pressure!  I was at work and checked the website for my name on my lunch break -- nothing popped up.  I wasn't sure when they would begin posting, so to double check (and to see if I'd simply failed), I checked one of my classmates.  There her name was.  I checked mine again.  Nothing.  I'd failed.  I called Daniel and just burst into tears... My world was reeling.  I thought it could happen, but I'd been praying so fervently that it wouldn't happen.  I would have to work at Cato for three more months.  What about my financial support?  Would that continue or would that get cut off?  Would I have to move to SC?  Then a small flicker of hope sprung up in my mind --- maybe they were posting alphabetically and hadn't gotten to the L's yet.


I got back on the website and checked several classmates who alphabetically came after me.  Not a single one was posted.  The flicker of hope burned a little brighter.  I called Daniel back and explained my theory.  He supported it (but then again, why wouldn't he?  He was hoping for this pass as much as I was).  But I was so rattled that I couldn't stay on the phone with him after telling him what the website was and how it worked.  There was no way I was going to be able continue checking the website.  So I decided to meekly sit and attempt to eat my lunch (although my stomach was in such knots of fear and anxiety that it was quite difficult) in quiet -- to calm myself down, and to try and stop the flow of stress-induced tears.


Five minutes into this attempt at peace, my phone rang.  It was Daniel.  "Alright PTA License Number 4-8-5-9... YOU PASSED!"  I literally jumped up and down, in circles, did a strange star looking jump, and yelled (yes, in the middle of my workplace) "I PASSED!"  My life wasn't over.  My worst fears weren't realized.  I'd been spared extended torture and having to re-take the hardest test I've ever taken in my life.

I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day.  Spreading the news to my friends and family was like handing them happiness.  I'd made them proud and not disappointed them.  It felt so fantastic that I was finally at that point where I could say: "I'll be starting my career in two weeks."








I am pleased to say that 11 of my classmates also experienced the same joy I felt.  But I am broken hearted to say that 1 felt the worst pain and anguish imaginable.  Please keep this one student in your prayers as she prepares to re-study and re-take the exam in October.  She is an amazing person and deserves to be a PTA -- if you knew her, she'd be just as much as an inspiration to you as she is to me and my classmates.






So now I'm just waiting to be making "big girl money," to have a normal and regular schedule/routine, and to have health insurance (Woooooohooooo!).  I know there will be lots of bumps and learning curves, but I'm just so excited that I'm choosing not to focus on that right now.


God brought me through one hell of a week, and I couldn't be more grateful for the work he's done in my life.  Because it was truly God who opened this PTA door for me.  Without God in all this, I would have never heard of or gotten into the program, moved New Bern, established a deeper relationship with Him, or gotten into a relationship with Daniel (THE mister), or found the housing I've found.  His fingerprints are all over my life...

I am beyond irritated.  You think I was in a mood, well buddy, let me show you a mood.  Let me show you the cold worlds of my moods.  You want to make a snarky comment just as I'm getting to the time where I'm biochemically predisposed to moods, on top of not knowing whether or not I passed/failed a career deciding exam and am going crazy over it?  Well "honey," let me show you a mood...