The Starting Line

Good grief.  How far down this black hole of increased pounds (and we're not talking muscle here -- we're talking good ol' fluff) and decreased self-confidence am I going to allow myself to fall??  How much further am I going to go before I throw my hands up in defiance and begin to rebel??

I pray that I am at that point.  I am officially at the heaviest weight I've been in 5 years.  And I hate it.  I feel awkward, unattractive, miserable, not confident, somewhat depressed, "less than," and bloated.

I have most definitely lost my "workout groove."  I used to love to workout, and was able to challenge myself to the point where I would be sore the following day.  Now?  My workouts are sporadic and although I am breathless and sweaty, I am not sore.  Not to mention I know that I am choosing the easier modifications and I know that I am cutting my workouts entirely too short to do myself any good.

I have also most definitely lost my love of healthy foods, appropriate portions, and smart choices.  My diet is full of rich foods -- read: high in calories, high in carbs, high in sugar.  My portions are out of control.  My addiction to sweets is back with a vengeance. I eat so quickly I barely taste what I'm eating and then am so hungry for taste that I eat more.

I've had the breakdown that usually ushers in change with Daniel.  (Poor guy had to witness my breakdown on the phone and bear with me through it)  I've begun tracking my calories and tracking my weight.  I've switched from my sugary sodas to water 90% of the time.  I'm trying to figure my workouts out...

But this is not enough.  And these images are imprinting the importance of getting myself straightened out NOW:

So.... Tomorrow... It's a new day.  I'm no longer on vacation at my grandparents.  I have no excuses anymore.  I have my lunch pre-cooked and in the fridge.  I have a fancy new water bottle to use (it has a straw!).  There's a Zumba class tomorrow evening at the gym (I go because I have so much fun with it!).  I even have the ingredients for my filling (but light) breakfast.

Tomorrow will be a good day.
I can do this.

Because I can't keep doing what I've been doing -- not a moment longer.